Once Upon A Time

Once upon a time, I knew what it felt like to have a zoo stampeding though my stomach instead of just butterflies. Once upon a time, I fell in love, hard and fast and without looking back. Once upon a time I knew what all the romance books and tragedies and movies were about, because I felt it every single day. And then I was left, utterly and completely alone to pick up the pieces of my recently shattered life all by myself.
Once upon a time I felt that feeling when your heart breaks, when it literally feels like your heart has stopped beating. Like all the butterflies or whatever you felt, they all just fell dead. Like life wasn't worth it and like nothing could ever hurt that bad again. Sophomore year in high school, a naïve sixteen years of life under my belt, I had my heart irreparably broken.
But when he came back, it was like he never broke my heart in the first place. I felt that passion, that need, that love just as fiercely as before. Nothing ever felt as intense as the feeling he gave me. He was my drug and I was a hopeless addict with no desire to be sober. My world revolved around him and only him and I was intoxicated with the thought of him and nothing else ever crossed my mind.

Once upon a time, but much more recent, I had an epiphany. My whole perspective changed on the world. Everything was different, my friends, my choices, my desires, my goals. And my view of him. When my perspective changed, I realized I was a game for him, an easy pastime when he wasn't feeling needed enough. For the second time in my life, every animal stampeding through my chest fell dead. And I grieved my lost love for the second time.
Fast forward to the present and I am at a loss. Im afraid no one will ever make my heart race like he did. Im afraid I'll never fall that deeply in love with someone again. Im afraid I wasted my feelings on someone who ended up being a joke. I have someone in front of my that I really thought I cared for. I have no idea how he feels about me, though everyone in my life is rooting for him. But I don't feel the zoo. I don't feel the storm. I feel birds sitting patiently in trees, but only fluttering from time to time, never fully bursting forth in flight.

My fairytale has turned into a nightmare, and no matter how badly I wish to wake, this is my reality. My knight in shining armor turned out to be the villain and there are no knights around. Only squires and palace guards, but no one riding in on a white horse. I cant wake up from this nightmare. I can not escape this feeling, like empty air caught in my chest.