Finding Me

I am finally becoming who I want to be.

It took a surgery, an entire semester off of school, six weeks of bed rest, a lot of tears, some heartache, and a few stunning realizations, but I'm finally becoming the girl I want to be.  The young woman I am proud to call myself with traits and characteristics I'm not ashamed of.

Last May, I was at the end of my rope.  I was exhausted mentally, physically, spiritually, emotionally.  I was done.  I was drained.  I could hardly get through a day without breaking down into a puddle of tears.  My first year of college was too much, friendships were too much, I was too much altogether.
And then summer came around and I thought I was finally free.  But after three months of college transfer applications and deadlines and doctor appointments and chronic pain were relentless and the rest I was so desperate for never came.
And then I had surgery and my world of fast paced frantic chaos came to a screeching halt.
Unable to walk, move or practically breathe without assistance for six weeks threw me into a whole new state of mind.  At first, it was emotional torture.  I felt weak and helpless and dreadful.  But in the end, I learned a lot.
You learn who your friends are, who cares about you, when you're incapacitated and of no use to anyone.  Those that only need you for your resources will leave faster than a startled deer.  But the ones that matter will give you silly nicknames and sit on you in a rocking chair and sit by your side when you look like crap and talk about nothing for hours and let you cry for no reason.  And those are the ones you keep.

I had my first epiphany a few weeks after my mobility returned.  And it was go time.  I cut ties with people that only used me, I deleted contacts in my phone, unfollowed people on instagram, and unfriended people on Facebook.  Suddenly, I went from being a girl who couldn't keep her eyes dry to the most stone cold, hardcore version of myself I had ever been.  That was the moment I realized how much I matter.  I don't deserve crappy friends, or people who use me, or people who only call when they need something from me, because I am worth a million times more than that.
For a long time, I didn't know that.  I didn't know my worth and so I settled for less than stellar friends and for a less then good version of myself that I didn't know I could improve.

Getting involved with NaNoWriMo was a whole new chapter.  I wrote a book.  I.  Musi Trappe, wrote an entire book start to finish in twenty five days.  And then I got copies printed and sent my house.  It was one of the most emotional moments I've ever experienced, seeing my name on the cover of a book.  And in that instant, I knew I was in the right career.  When people started asking for copies right and left and I started getting feedback, it was nerve-wracking and scary and yet, totally awesome. 
My latest epiphany just hit me one day out of no unusual circumstance, just poof and I came to terms with the fact that I am not perfect.  But I am a lot of other things that are better than perfect.  I am strong.  I can handle things, I do handle things, that no one knows about.  I am proud to be who I am.  I wear a smile everyday.  I like to laugh, probably more than most situations call for.  I'm confident and that's a big deal for me.  I have anxiety in almost every situation, but I don't let it consume me.  Despite the losses I've had to endure, I am trying my hardest to be friendly and reach out and not be cold or bitter.  I'm learning to be okay with the way things fall, and I'm learning to let my picture of how things should be change with the circumstances.

Overall, I needed this semester off.  I needed a break from everything so I could just let the wind blow me where it may.  I needed time to be a free spirit, and learn to take life less seriously and loosen up.  I needed this time to reassure myself that I can, in fact, pursue a career in writing and be successful at it.  I needed this time to be a teenager and go out with my friends and laugh until my stomach hurt and watch movies at 2 a.m.
But mostly, what this time gave me was a chance to find myself, and that's exactly what I did.