Where I am right now, I can count my friends on two hands. The people I enjoy being around, and trust, and have a mutual feeling of companionship with, I can count on two hands. And that thought is a great sadness to my heart. In junior high, I switched schools with not one friend by my side, and by the time I finished eighth grade, I had more friends than I knew what to do with. I daresay I was popular. My freshman year of high school was...overwhelmingly superb in terms of friendships. I was reunited with old friends and I found new ones and I didn't lose a single one.
And then I did. And everything fell apart before my eyes.
I lost my best friend of seven years. Then two more.
Then the person I would have called my soul sister. I mean at the age of 15 I knew she'd be my maid of honor. I just knew it. And in a blink of an eye, it dissolved.
And after her, it was over. No one knew me. No one really knew me. And no one does now.
I try over and over and over to construct new roads and forge new friendships but they all fall through. And I have no one to blame but myself, seeing as I'm a cynic who lacks trust for any other human beings beside myself.
More and more often, I find myself wishing my relationships with these people hadn't dissolved. I miss them. I don't miss being treated like a piece of cow manure but I miss having people to confide in.
Having had surgery a few weeks ago, I am astonished by how few of the people I called my "friends" have reached out to me. I am astonished by the number of people I reached out to only to be ignored. I am astonished by the number of people I can't count on.
And then there are people I met mere weeks ago who call every single day to see how I am. And the couple of people I see once a year that spend hours talking to me while I sit alone. And I am ashamed of myself when I push them away but I don't know how not to. Every person I have put my trust in his left me, with the exception of maybe three. I have walls a mile high around my heart and it's almost impossible to open them up the slightest bit.
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