Finally

Intoxicated by feelings and memories, I float on the cloud you've created. I stumble over my words but I cant wipe this smile off my face. Your name is exhilarating and your smile leaves me with a heady weightlessness. Sunlight filters through the trees like nature's own version of a chandelier, letting me bask in the glittering happiness that's overtaking my mind. I am powerless to fight against the stirring you create in my soul. You are the strongest drug that could exist for me and when it comes to you, I am addicted. My heart soars at the mention of you and I feel at home in conversation with you. You have a way of incapacitating me in the best way. I am hopelessly steadfast in my trust in you, in my hope for us, and in the desire to have a future with you. Somehow you complete me and we fit together like pieces of a puzzle. Me without you would be disastrous. I fail to see how I could continue to exist without you next to me. Given the time and the separation we've had, I cant help but assume fate brought us back together. We are written in the stars. We are a story for the ages. And I want nothing other than you.

A Warning and A Promise

People underestimate me in practically every area of my life and I am sick of it.

I am not a fragile child who needs coddling or protecting. I am a woman who has seen her fair share of sorrow and grief and misfortune and I am strong because of it.

I am not a game to be played. I am not desperate enough to hang my feeling out to dry in front of a man because I require a man who is strong enough to chase me.

I am not a children's game to be played and laughed at in free time. I am a woman to be respected and if you cross me, a force to be feared.

I used to be the innocent school girl with no malice and no backbone but that girl is gone and good riddance. I cringe to the think of the wavering doormat I used to be.

Now I am solid and strong and a force to be reckoned with. Should you treat me like a game, Ill show you how its played.

It is absurd for you to think you can manipulate me the way you used to and frankly its cowardly. I will not be made a fool of and I will most certainly not be humiliated.

This is a warning and a promise.

Cross me and you will regret it. Play me and I will demolish you. I refuse to be toyed with any longer. Make that mistake, and I will have no reservations about letting my wrath out upon you

Caught Between Doubt and Hope

You are an enigma.

I don't know if I can trust you, and honestly, I don't know if I want to.

I do know, that in our time together I felt more strongly than I ever have before.

You stir a fascination in me, an infatuation that I'm embarrassed to admit to having.

I have never been so enamored with someone in my life.

I would have done anything you asked, I was yours.

And then you left.

Without a warning or a trace or a reason, you vanished and I was left shattered.

I have never had my heart broken so badly in my life.

Then all of the sudden, you just pop back into my life.

How am I supposed to trust you?

How am I supposed to give you another chance?

How am I supposed to give in to the one man that made me the cynic I am?

I am caught between what you did and who I hope you are now.

The past gives me doubt while hope feeds the idea that you've changed.

I hope you don't expect the same girl to fall for you again, because she's gone.

In her place, a young woman who has been handed trial after trial and become stronger because of it.

I tread lightly where you are concerned, but there is no denying the attraction in my soul.

As much as I try and deny it, my soul is inevitably pulled towards you.

You are a magnet of impossible proportions and my strength is wavering.

Ill not be able to stay away forever, so keep in mind how fragile I am when I fall for you again.

Animal Instincts

It infuriates me that people think sharks attack humans on purpose and think like serial killers. Hello, its a wild animal. When you step into the ocean you are not on the top of the food chain. Its an animal and its acting on instinct. May that be feat or hunger or curiosity, sharks don't go out think "Hmm I think I'll kill some humans and cause some terror today". Stop treating them like criminals. When you take a chance and ho into the wild, you are the trespasser. That isn't your domain. It breaks my heart to hear people blame the animal and think it deserves to be killed.
We have a nasty habit of treating animals like humans. They do not have the same brain patters as us. They are not humans. They are WILD ANIMALS and they cannot be held to the same standards as a human being. We can't profile them the way we profile humans and we cant say that they think the way a serial killer thinks. That is completely absurd. It is insane to hold them responsible and hold them accountable. Animals have no moral compass, they don't know that biting a girls leg could mean losing her life. They function completely and totally on their instincts and they shouldn't be punished for said instincts. We have to start seeing these creatures, and all creatures for that matter, as just that; animals. 

Loneliness Breeds Nostalgia.

Where I am right now, I can count my friends on two hands. The people I enjoy being around, and trust, and have a mutual feeling of companionship with, I can count on two hands. And that thought is a great sadness to my heart. In junior high, I switched schools with not one friend by my side, and by the time I finished eighth grade, I had more friends than I knew what to do with. I daresay I was popular. My freshman year of high school was...overwhelmingly superb in terms of friendships. I was reunited with old friends and I found new ones and I didn't lose a single one.
And then I did. And everything fell apart before my eyes.
I lost my best friend of seven years. Then two more.
Then the person I would have called my soul sister. I mean at the age of 15 I knew she'd be my maid of honor. I just knew it. And in a blink of an eye, it dissolved.
And after her, it was over. No one knew me. No one really knew me. And no one does now.
I try over and over and over to construct new roads and forge new friendships but they all fall through. And I have no one to blame but myself, seeing as I'm a cynic who lacks trust for any other human beings beside myself.
More and more often, I find myself wishing my relationships with these people hadn't dissolved. I miss them. I don't miss being treated like a piece of cow manure but I miss having people to confide in.

Having had surgery a few weeks ago, I am astonished by how few of the people I called my "friends" have reached out to me. I am astonished by the number of people I reached out to only to be ignored. I am astonished by the number of people I can't count on.
And then there are people I met mere weeks ago who call every single day to see how I am. And the couple of people I see once a year that spend hours talking to me while I sit alone. And I am ashamed of myself when I push them away but I don't know how not to. Every person I have put my trust in his left me, with the exception of maybe three. I have walls a mile high around my heart and it's almost impossible to open them up the slightest bit.

Strong In Pieces

For a long time, I was drowning in an unbearable, toxic, sea of pain. I thought no one could hear me crying. I thought no one knew how badly my heart was breaking. And then it happened to you and it was like watching my anguish all over again from a different vantage point. And for a long time I just wanted someone to understand how I felt and how empty I was. But then it was you. You were like a mirror, echoing my pain and my tears and everything I thought no one understood. And I never thought it could hurt more until I watched you hurting too. And honestly? It killed me. Watching you struggle the way I did made me ache to see you smile again. Instead of wanting to share my pain, I want to take yours away. I want to make you strong and show you how to get through the rough days. In a twisted, grotesque way, your tragedy was good for me. It taught me not to bring others down in my spiral. It taught me that life doesn't stop for everyone else when it does for you. It taught me how to be strong even when I already felt broken. So because of you, I can be strong in pieces and I think that lesson will serve me well for the rest of my life.

Blank Canvas

My future is a blank canvas. An empty, glaringly barren, white, sheet of possibility. As I live, my life plays out on said canvas in a whirl of colors and lines and words. Pastel and light colored brushstrokes illustrate my good days. Deep blues and reds and purples mark my heartaches and my sorrows. Excitement and inexplicable joy splash in electric, neon colors followed by the long, elegant lines that tie me to who I am. Then there are words. Letter after letter, my story is constructed in whole and in truth and in black typeset. These words are a representation of my soul and my journey that can be read and devoured, sitting after sitting, by anyone who takes the time to look at them. My past is dried, solidified, and final but my present is a work in progress, constantly changing. Words and colors are ebbing and flowing, melting and mixing to create a new part of the masterpiece with every choice I make. Parts are beautiful and parts are delicate. Parts are streaked with anger and stained with sadness. Parts are tainted with failure and illuminated with triumph. In the end, it's a story, a whole, complete, twisting, changing, story of a girl. Of me. And I want people to read or hear or see or remember it fondly and with a smile. I want lives to be touched and changed by my work or art. So, through my mistakes and my fears and my trials I can only hope for an outcome that sets up a better outcome later on down the road. I want my colors to inspire and my words to encourage. I want to be a story that lasts. I want people to finish reading my story and be stunned. I want them to say "wow I wish I had been there to see this all happen" or "I am so lucky to have been a part of that."

A Snippet of Forever

My love for you had a season. It was true and real and bold like nothing I've ever felt before, but like the summer must fade to fall, my love is dwindling, torn and scarred by lies and words and time. In its start, it was sweet and small and fragile, like the bud of a delicate flower. Fed by your promise, it blossomed into something magnificent and bright and hopeful. But as every flower fades,wilted by time and the elements, the petals of my love are beginning to fall and scatter on the floor. I fear, darling, that only a few petals cling to life and they too must fall. I don't regret what I felt for we fell into a brief but beautiful tragedy where the timing was imprecise and nothing matched up quite right. I think on the path to finding our forever, we fall into many short eternities that grow us and change us and mold us into the person we have to be when our forever comes. When we find our one and only we can pull from our past and live a love story that rivals all the fairy tales. For love is one of the things that gets sweeter every time we experience it. And you, my brief but beautiful snippet of experience, have changed me for my own forever and I hope I too have changed you for yours.