In My Losses

Sorrow shoots through my heart as I watch the faces I used to know interact. I used to talk to him everyday. I uses to know exactly what that look on her face meant. I used to be in the center of their happy world. As I watch from the outside, a hot tear slides down my cheek. Who knew one day I would feel annihilated in the only place on earth I'd ever felt accepted. Times are changing. We are growing. Only, I'm growing up and having to fall away from the happy bubble I used to be trapped in. I was foolish to believe that I could leave and things wouldn't change. They are drastically different and it rips my heart in two. I begin to mark them among my losses. Tick mark after tick mark build up as I list them all. People I used to know. Strangers who used to share my past.
The number is crippling and makes my heart stop in my chest. Is there any end to this torture? Will anyone walk in and stay? Will trust ever be in my nature again? The tears come in torrents and I lock myself in my room. They don't need this. They don't need to see me like this. I'll shut them out like I do everyone else. As I crumble to the floor in broken, aching pieces I sob into my hands. How do I fix this? No answers come my way. Tears all spent and throat sore from crying, I tremble and wrap my arms around myself. I am alone. And I am scared.

The Mirror

That mirror has seen a thousand inward battles.

It has seen a girl learning how to make herself presentable.

A girl trying to decide what armor to put on.

A girl trying to find one thing she likes about herself.

 It has seen sobbing, wracking tears as she wonders what she's even worth.

It has seen a million genuine, shining smiles.

It has seen the empty, lost stare of confusion.

Of grief.

 

It has seen a girl brake into a million pieces.

It has seen her try desperately try to put herself back together.

It has seen her trying to decipher mixed signals and unwind lies.

 

It watches her fight for sleep on hundreds of different nights.

It watches her startle awake when the nightmares get to be too much.

It watches her wake with a sleepy smile after a sweet dream makes its way in.

 

It sees her painting on her game face.

Sees her painting on the mask.

Sees her practicing her smile for that perfect moment with that perfect someone.

 

It watches helplessly as she tears apart her self esteem.

As she picks apart her being.

It has seen trillions of emotions flash across her quiet face.

It's seen dripping tears carry mascara down her face like war paint.

It's seen a dozen tissues try to silence the truth.

 

It has seen her for who she truly is.

It may be the only one, in all honesty, too see her in her true light.

It has seen how complex she is.

How torn she is between that happy-go-lucky girl and the girl tormented by her past.

 

It has seen me.

All of me.

Fantasy

It's hard, it hurts, she doesn't want to let go, but she has too. She been holding too tightly to a fantasy that can never be hers. She falls asleep with resolve in her heart and tears in her eyes. When she wakes, she feels empty, unaware of what there is to feel anymore. So much of her heart was dedicated to a lost cause that she doesn't know what to do without it. Her thoughts are a jumble of confused questions and painful memories. The words he hasn't spoken to her face cut her like a knife and rip her heart in two. A useless cause is all for not. Empty sorrow bites her soul and a single salty tear slips from her eye. She gave too much, as she always has and in the the cause is lost.

I Sit and Think on You

As the sky pours out its torrents of rain upon the unsuspecting world, I sit and think on you. Days were spent hoping, loving, needing, all for you. The butterflies danced in my stomach, hunger and sleep both failed me then. I was a perfect picture of what they call head over heels and what I term hopelessly lost . You held part of my world and I held tightly to the hope that one day you might see things the same. I guess I knew all along that it would never work. You are an intricate being of infinite, deeply scarring pain. You have faced horrors unknown. You have demons I may never know exist and things you think might terrify me if let into the light. I though, I am merely a silly girl. I have faced pain, but the difference between us is I choose not to let it consume me. I cover my insecurities in loud laughing and sarcasm while you cover your pain with grim expressions and build a wall around your heart. Hear me not wrong, I know your tortures are deeper and darker and more fearful than mine, but I have them all the same. I have grown up in a home of togetherness and love and acceptance, while I see years of loneliness etch lines on your face. My heart aches to think of you in that insurmountable pain. I knew we were destined for ruin the moment I set my eyes on you. Fairy tales have a way of bringing ones like us, from opposite places together, but reality is not so. But somehow, unknown to me, when trick turned sour broke my heart and threatened to humiliate me, I was stunned and shocked by your willingness to be part of the ploy. Now all is forgiven, all is at rest, all but my faintly beating heart.
I know you have demons. It terrifies me. But so do I. And I feel an all consuming need to stare into your eyes until I know all of yours and you all of mine. I want to help you face them and fight them down daily if need be. I want you to find in me the pain and teach me how to callous is so it hurts no more. I want to show you how to escape the shadows you've been living in. I know all you need is someone to pull you close and whisper that you're worth it. I know you won't believe it at first. I know you think I'm not strong enough to carry your burdens, but over two, the weight will be lessened. I don't know how to show you that I'm stronger than you'll ever understand. I don't know how to show you that when I'm with you, the broken parts of me feel less jagged. I don't know how to tell you I need you, but I do. And whether you know it or not, I think you need me too.

Trying

I am trying.

Trying not to talk about it.

Trying not to bring it up in ever conversation.

Trying not to think about it.

Trying to move on.

Trying not to whine.

Trying not to use the word heartbroken.

Trying not to overreact.

Trying to understand how something that was only planned,

and never took place could hurt so much.

Trying to decide if I should tell you that I know.

Trying to figure out if you even care.

 

I'm trying not to feel broken.

Or empty.

Or betrayed.

Or hurt.

 

I'm trying to come up with words for what this feeling is, but all I can think is "empty".

Waves of hurt come and go.

As do waves of sadness, of treachery, of confusion, of nothingness.

I 've never felt so helplessly lost in all my life.

 

And the really messed up thing is,

I think you would know how to help me.

You know what this is.

You know how to fix it.

You've been in this living nightmare.

You live it every day.

Yet, you put me here too.

Insight For The American Male

I know one of the popular topics among women is what men want in a lady. I have a feeling that, even if you wont admit it, guys want to know what women want too. I could list of a lot of things that we look for and things we definitely consider turn-offs. But because of recent, and by recent I mean today, experience, I'd like to let you guys in on one thing that women do NOT want. And, consequently, you may stumble upon a few ideals we DO find attractive. So here we go.

There's this really puzzling phenomenon where guys think it's funny to dare their buddies to ask out girls they have no interest in. News flash: WE DON'T LIKE IT. Now, if you have even a tiny, minuscule ounce of concern for other human beings, you're probably thinking "well duh". But, unfortunately, some people do not.

Girls do NOT like it when you purposely ride alone with them in cars. Girls do NOT like it when you purposely play romantic music to get them thinking you're interested. Girls do NOT like when you think leading her on to embarrass her will be hilarious. Girls do NOT like their hearts to be broken. Girls do NOT like it when you toy with their emotions.

We like honesty. We like sincerity. We like it when you guys tell us how you actually feel. We like to be treated like princesses. We like to know that someone has our best interests at heart.

In case you were wondering, no this is not the first time this has happened to me. It is the third. And as much as I'd like to say I'm the only girl with bad enough luck to have experienced this, I know I'm not. I know other girls out there have cried themselves to sleep wondering why they aren't good enough and wondering how they can ever show their face again. I know there are girls who were so confused and so embarrassed, they just felt empty. I know I'm not the only one. To the girls who have been victims of this stupid joke, they aren't worth it. They clearly aren't smart enough to entertain themselves some other way. You are beautiful and one day you'll find a guy that knows how to treat a woman with respect.

To the guys, please don't do this anymore. It isn't funny for us. It isn't something we look back on and laugh at. It hurts  a lot to think someone would willingly embarrass us that way. Especially if we thought you were our friends. You wouldn't like it if we turned the tables and I'm sure a few of you have experienced this same thing. You wonder why we whine and complain for romance and chivalry, but it's because those of us who want it have never experienced it before.

What I Wish and Wonder

My mind twirls your name like a delicate flower petal.

As if I think it to loudly it might disintegrate into nothing.

I wonder if you know the power you have over me.

I wonder if you know that seeing your name makes my heart skip a beat.

I wonder if you know that I'm terrified to start a conversation with you.

I wonder if you know I'll never have the courage and the task will fall to you.

I wonder if you know I never even meant to fall at all for you.

 

All I hear is your voice in my head.

All I see when I close my eyes is the brilliant color of yours.

I want those dazzling eyes to look at me the way I look at you.

With a gentle admiration.

With shyness and a hint of nervous terror.

With hope and happiness.

With some feeling I'm not to keen on identifying just yet.

I doubt you know what I think of you.

I know with certainty I don't know what you think of me.

I only wish I could ask without putting everything on the line.

Without exposing so much of myself.

Without the risk of being hurt like so many times before.

 

My past has scarred me and it bleeds into interaction with you.

I'm sorry I can't let go of the pain.

I'm sorry I fail to trust.

I'm sorry.

I need you.

I need you to pull from me the pain and share the burden.

If only for a while, it will be enough.

Everything feels right when I'm with you.

You just have to give me a chance to open up.

Give me time.

I promise I'll show you what you want to see.

If I know Not You

I stare at the phone, but I don't know what to say. Where would I start? Where would we even begin to pick up? I look around and I see things changing and I am in awe of how different things are now than they used to be. I feel like I need to share in the awe with someone. You're the only one who knows what a miracle this is. You're the only one who has been around me long enough to appreciate the changes I've made. A smile plays on my lips as I remember our rambunctious days as children and the things we fought through together as teenagers. I'm an adult now, and you're not far behind. How have things become so twisted? How have things spun so magnificently out of control? You know me better than I know myself. You know everything about me. You know exactly what I've been through. A new thought slams into my head and my heart ceases it's incessant beating. You don't know me now. You've been gone for three years and you have no idea what I've been through. You wouldn't know what to do with me now. I set the phone on the darkly stained table with the realization this I don't know you either. All this time I've been assuming you were the same, unchanged by time. You are not, and neither am I. Once soul mates, we are now merely strangers with a past. The thought is sickening and I clutch my stomach as I feel my heart break in my chest. You were my life line. As long as you knew me, I had something to hold onto. As the rope tying me to existence severs, I tumble into a blackness of uncertainty. If I know not you, and you know not I, then who out there has any clue of who I am. Because I certainly do not.