Bitter Reasoning

I’m bitter. I can own it. And I have me reasons. But if you’re reading this and you know me, and you want to know why, here’s your answer:

1. My best friend of eight years, and first boyfriend decided to turn his back on me in the sixth grade. I thought nothing of it and assumed once we got into jr.high, everything would work out. Fate tore us apart, sending us to different schools but we were determined to stay intact. We wrote one another letters and hung out on the very rare occasion that we had free time and on my fifteenth birthday, I was extatic to get to spend time with him at my party. As the day went on, he became more distant, and began to spend more time with my friends that he’d never met than me. I was hurt. I was embarrassed. Frankly, I was a little angry. At the end of the night, he decided to tell me that he was gay. That was his big reason for spending no time with me, because he didn’t know how I would handle it.

I am NOT going to turn down a friendship with someone, or look down on someone because they’ve chosen that lifestyle. When he told me, I was mostly confused. I mean, hello, we dated remember?  I felt like I didn’t know him anymore. More than anything, I was hurt that he took my friends away from me on my birthday and shared that part of himself with them and not with me.  By the middle of freshman year he was pretending not to know who I was. What friend of eight years drops a bomb like that and then pretends not to know you? He eventually texted me, telling me how I was a bad friend and I was mean and we got into an explosive fight, from which we never recovered. I miss him to this day.

2. The next friendship incident blew up in my face sophomore year around time for my sweet sixteen. I’m picky when it comes to who I want to spend time with, and I’ll admit that. One of my closest friends had a friend that got on my nerves almost all of the time. Naturally, I had no intentions of inviting this “friend-of-a-friend” to the day that was supposed to commemorate turning 16. When my “best friend” found out I wasn’t inviting her annoying tag along, she refused to come to my party. In addition, she told the other girl to plan her party for the SAME DAY as mine, and not invite me. Again an argument ensued and I was left without a few more friends. In case you were wondering, the party went off without a hitch and was spectacular without them, but I digress.

3. Finally, the one that sent me over the edge. I wasn’t bitter yet. Not yet. Until the summer after my sophomore year. This one gets kind of messy, so if you’re still with me, hang on. My best friend (and when I say best friend I do mean soul-sister-other-half-of-me-sister-from-another-mister) had some problems with jealousy. This was old news, I would bring someone around, she would get jealous and angry and we would argue until we sorted it out. That summer, we went on a trip with a whole crew of our friends. One night, we were on the porch and a few of my guy friends that I had gotten extremely close to over the week, came and asked me to go walk and talk with them. I got up, thinking nothing of it. When I got back, my friend was in her cot crying her eyes out. I had a feeling it was somehow my fault when she said “nothing” in reply to my “what’s going on?” I let it go and the next day was frozen out. I spent the last day of our trip on the river with the guys since she wouldn't talk to me.  We all spent the following week together and the entire week she froze me out, laughed at the top of her lungs when she passed me, and made sure I saw her having a good time with everyone except me. I was done. When we got home I called her, she denied it and said I was a bad friend and it was all my fault. Needless to say, we decided to take a break from our friendship. That happened three years ago.

I can’t seem to see what I did wrong in any of these situations, but obviously I either suck at choosing friends or I suck at keeping them.  Either way, this is why I’m bitter. I don’t think I can keep a friend without it going haywire and in turn, I push people away whenever I start to get to close. I do it to everyone, friends, family, guys, anyone who tries to get close is met with a steel wall of opposition because in all honesty, I’m too broken on the inside to try again.

It sucks to be so stone cold.  I’ve gone on one date.  I’ve been single for four years now.  I can count on one hand the people I talk to daily and they are all blood relatives of mine.  I talk to two of my friends maybe once every other week. My life consist of school, home and church, sometimes in that order. And the problem is, though I’m lonely, I’m scared to be surrounded too. I’m so desperately lonely that I cry… a lot…. And it doesn’t help for very long before I start feeling empty again. I try and reach out but I just can’t. I’m no good at it. I’ve gotten bitter and jaded and I’m only 18. Is this the life I would have chosen for me? No, probably not. But it’s the one I got, so I’m trying to work though it the best I can.