Hey y'all. Its been a while since we had an honest talk. And maybe that's because I've been scared to talk for a while. And I still am. I never intend for this to become some sort of online diary, I'm too private for that. And frankly it's no one's business. But I think I'm in need of some truths. So tonight I'll share some of my truths with you in hopes of inspiring you to face your own.
I am all alone. Before Thanksgiving, I got in a fight with one of the most important people in my life. And when the dust from that battle settled, I lost him and two other people I care about. At first, I was just confused. Now I'm confused and furious. I extended an apology and here we are, over a month later, and I've heard not a peep from any of them. As angry as I am, and as many furious fights as I've staged in my head, its hard to accept that I lost the last three friends that I had. It was probably my fault. I don't even remember what we were fighting about. But they don't seem to care that I'm gone, so why should I care that they left? It sounds easy when you say it that way. But lost love isn't all that can break your heart....
I fell in what I thought was love with a boy I didn't know when I was fifteen years old. He walked past me with a ponytail and a guitar case and I haven't stopped thinking about him from that moment on. I think we had a shot once upon a time, but we blew it. He wasn't committed at all and I was so infatuated with him that I couldn't see reality. He was all I could see and I didn't care what came next. I don't know if he ever felt anything for me, and frankly I'm too scared to ask. I don't want to admit to him that I let go of other relationships to pursue him. I don't want to admit to him that I would still say yes to him in a heartbeat. I don't want to admit that he was the first guy to break my heart and kill every trusting instinct in my body. But I would take him back, in spite of all that, and that's what I'm the most ashamed of.
Someone I've cared for from a distance for a very long time has finally started to notice me. And I have never been happier. But I lost all my friends, and I can only annoy my relatives with the details so many times before I start to feel like a bother. He's starting to feel familiar in a bad way though. I'm afraid I'm giving him too much trust, too much time, too much thought. But this is what I've wanted for so long, how am I supposed to stop now? Every time my phone rings, I pray that it's him. Every time it's not, my heart breaks a little more. I'm terrified to reach out to him because I don't want to scare him away. All people seem to do these days is leave, and I don't know if I could take that from him too.
I feel like I'm lost in this storm of fear and confusion and uncertainty. If I had one thing to hold onto, maybe I'd be okay. But I don't. It's me all alone, spinning out of control and I don't know how to fix it. Do I let them know how hurt I am? Or do I let it go? Do I call the first boy I ever loved and tell him everything he meant to me? Or do I walk away? Do I reach out first even though I'm scared? Or wait for him to come to me?
I don't have the answers yet. Maybe I never will. But knowing what I'm scared of helps. It gives me control over something. Even if I don't know what to do with that control.
So, late-night-bloggers, random people gracious enough to give this your time, or friends who read this without telling me, What are your truths? What are you afraid of? And what do you do? I pray you're lucky enough to find answers more swiftly than I.
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