Letters of Fear

I've always thought I was strong and cool and brilliant.
It turns out, I'm afraid.
I'm terrified of so many things.
But the one thing that I'm scared of, that ruins everything, is telling people how I feel.
Because I'm afraid, I won't do it to their face, but this is my safe zone.  And here comes danger.

To whom it may concern,

I didn't write that message all those months ago.  The one that said I was done with you and all my feelings relating to you.  I wasn't done.  I'll never be done.   I don't know how to be done with you.  I didn't want to write it and I didn't want to send it.  But the people around me convinced me that I had to.  That in order for my life to go on, I had to let you go.  And they were right for a while.  Or they convinced me they were.  It didn't feel right when I was crying in the living room at 2 A.M. and it doesn't feel right now.  So I'm sorry, that I let that happen.  I'm sorry I said goodbye when I didn't want to because I think I lost my very last shot.  Now you're looking for something new and I think it could be me.  But I doubt you'll even look my way because of what I said.

To whom it may concern,

I don't know what to do.  I thought things were going well until you dropped off the face of the earth.  It all came together and fell apart within a week.  You were there and everything was brilliance and happiness and then you were gone.  I could feel it the minute it happened.  I felt things change.  Maybe it was the freezing temperature outside.  Or maybe nature got in the way.  But something happened and you're gone now.  I won't be the first to reach out.  I won't tell you I miss you.  But I've gotten as close to that as possible.  You fell into my life when I needed you most.  I needed someone who didn't make me feel crazy or weird.  I showed you things that no one even knows exist.  You've seen my work in the earliest, messiest, most fragile stages.  You should know it takes a lot for that to happen.  Where ever you are, come back.  My mind is restless and I need your ideas.

To whom it may concern,

I never should have reached out to you.  It was a moment of weakness and I hope you don't respond.  I should've trusted my instincts and kept you as far from me as possible.  All you'll do is absorb the details of my life like a sponge and then wring them out in places I never wanted them to be.  Follow your instincts and run from this conflict.  Just pass away into my past and don't try to make a comeback.  It was weakness on my part, but I'm not weak anymore.  And you aren't strong enough to handle this.