Unexpected Tragedy

The thing about unexpected tragedy is, it effects all aspects of your life.
You never know when emotions are going to come flying in and make your heart ache and burn and race. You never know when the realization will hit you that this thing has actually happened to you. You never know when you'll realize that this isn't just a bad dream, and that you cant just wake up from it. You never know when you'll realize what you've lost. You never know when you'll just begin sobbing uncontrollably, the kind of silent sobbing that makes you hold your face and hold your breath so no one hears you. You never know when you'll be furious at the entire would around you for no reason at all. You never know when you'll become so delirious that you just laugh at everything to avoid crying. You never know how each day will go.
I woke up this morning, and yesterday, and the day before that, with a sinking, broken heart. It just feels painful to smile sometimes. The afternoon is the easiest. I get a second wind and I'm in that delirious mood where everything is hysterical for some reason. Night is hardest. That's when scenes from that day play out over and over in my head and I cant stop them. They scare me. They scar me. They hurt me. They break my heart. Mornings are just sad. I wake up with a frown and a sick feeling in my gut. Yesterday, in the drive through at McDonald's, I just started sobbing, out of no where. I cried and cried and cried. I thought I wouldn't be able to stop. Likewise, today in the middle of cleaning my room, I just started crying. It hurts so bad sometimes. I know time will help as our tragedy happened only a week ago, but it doesn't make it any easier now.
I'm sorry to keep writing such depressing, sad stuff. We lost a family member about a week ago and its hitting me hard. I promise I'll lighten up eventually.
Anyhow, I'm just so sick of feeling sick. I feel broken and hurt and sad and abandoned and I don't know how to fix it. I cant fix it. I just miss her so much... I wasn't ready for her to leave yet. I love her so much, and that will never, ever, change.

"Grief is like the ocean; it comes on waves ebbing and flowing. Sometimes the water is calm, and sometimes it is overwhelming. All we can do is learn to swim"- Vicki Harrison