Watching the World Wake Up

She liked to watch the world wake up.
As the silence gave way to the slow drip of the faucet and the shower.
And the floor boards begin to creak.
And the gentle chirping of one lone bird fading into two and then three and then all of them together in a beautiful morning symphony.
As the streetlights click off and hand over luminescent power to the rising sun.
And the sky fades from black to hues of yellow and orange and finally to blue.
And the free freeway comes to life, humming and buzzing and beeping.
And the promised morrow at last puts the deep night to sleep.

All He Needed

She watched him walking away as her heart sank to her toes.  She couldn't let it end like this.  His words still burning her mind were heavy on her chest. 
I just want to hear you say yes.  Say you trust me.
"Wait!"  She cried.  The tears staining the sweatshirt that was suffocating her dotted the fabric in a dismal pattern of pain.  The clouds parted and the earth stopped spinning as he turned around.  Did she mean it?  Could she try to let him put the pieces back together.
"Please, I'm just scared."  She whispered.
Those blue eyes cut into her soul to a depth no other human had found.  How could he still love her when she let him see it all?  When he saw all of her issues, he'd be sure to leave.  But until he left, she couldn't let him walk away wanting her and thinking she didn't want him.  Time slowed as he crossed the space between them and his hands were on her elbows.
"Trust me.  Just say you trust me."  He whispered, searching her eyes for some hint of hopeful truth.
"I can try."
And that was all he needed.
He crushed her to his chest, the girl with the dazzling smile and the ocean colored eyes.  His whole world was in his arms and never in his life had he felt more scared or more sure of anything he'd ever done.  He could put her back together, even though she was beautiful in all her broken pieces.  All she ever wanted was to be whole again, and if it took him forever, that was what he was going to do.

He and Me

He was more than a person.
He was an experience.
He was a phenomenon.

He walked into a room and caught every eye, turned every head.
His easy smile was contagious.
His genuine interest made you feel like one in a million.

He was bliss.
He was perfection.

And every step he took, brought him closer to me.

 

And by some chance, some miracle of heaven, we became one.

We were unstoppable.

We were a force to be reckoned with.

 

He smoothed out my roughness.

He eased my ferocity.

He was the calm to my crazy and everything about him made sense to me.

 

We had a glow like fire.

Catching the light and spinning it around the walls.

We were magnificent.

 

Everything in our world was picturesque.

Nothing out of place, not a single smudge on our perfect white.

And for those few moments, however fleeting they were, we existed in complete impeccability.

Painted Glass

She used to be see through,

The glass girl in the shadows.

 

Fragile and delicate with a smile that held a universe of stars

was planted on her face.

 

She was easy to read.  Her personality was always on display,

until one day they brought the paint.

 

A drop from a word here,

A dab from a sneer there.

And drop by drop they painted the glass dark.

 

No colors but red and black, the colors of pain.

Blocking out any clear spots that showed the brightness of the day.

 

And over time, she accepted the paint.

She stopped trying to wipe it off.

Stopped trying to wash it away.

Until all she was, was a mess of black and red paint.

Today

It's been a long time since I just let myself be.

A long time since I walked out of a building giddy with laughter and surrounded by friends.

It's been a long time since I feel this good about people.

 

I have been so bitter, so calloused, so cold, that I forgot what it felt like to make a friend.

But today...today was insane.

I let my guard down, I let these strangers see me for who I am.

My awkward timing, my sarcastic comments, my easily embarrassed disposition.

I let them see the real me.

The one who says dude a lot and smiles and snorts when she laughs.

The one who has a constant and irrational fear of doing something stupid and being judged.

And no one left.

No one gawked or jeered.

No one gasped.

No one was put off.

 

I spent a long time being ashamed of who I was.

I spent all of my friendships being judged for being too loud, too selfish, too nice, too this, too that, too much all together, that I think I started to believe it.

And today I was reminded that I am not too much of anything. 

I am the perfect proportion of every piece of me and I have absolutely nothing to be ashamed of.

 

I was me today, 100 percent me, and I actually made friends for the first time in six years. 

I actually have inside jokes again.

I have people who can look at me, and know what I'm thinking.

I have people who want to be around me, who laugh when I make a joke.

I have people who can make fun of me without being mean spirited.

I have people.

 

My face seriously burned for like an hour after class, because I was so worried that I had made a bad impression, but not one single memory of a mean glance comes to mind.

 

They liked me.

They actually liked me.

 

And I still cant stop smiling.

I look ridiculous, I look insane because I just smile for no reason, out of nowhere.

And I'm really freaking happy.

 

So, to the old "friends" who said I was a bad friend.  To the friends who abandoned me when I joined drill team just because it wasn't band.  To the friend who said I was selfish.  To each and every one of you, I send a sincere wish of absolute nothingness.

I don't hate you.  But I am sincerely glad you aren't around anymore.  Because you were all types of poison, and how dare you crush me that way and make me think I was worthless.

 

And to the people who laughed with me today, the ones that walked across campus and made me feel like I was worth something again, I send the most heartfelt thanks and a genuine excitement for what our futures hold.

 

 

The Butterflies

I thought they died, the butterflies.
Never to be seen again.
But here I am, struggling to catch my breath as they flood my nerves once again.
I thought he broke me.
To a point where I couldn't be fixed.
And yet you've managed to stir up the very thing he put to rest.

Is it just the nervous way you smile to yourself?
Or perhaps it's the way you can't sit still and I know the feeling.
I can't put my finger on it but nevertheless sleep evades me tonight, driven out of mind by these darned butterflies.
And while I'd love to say I hate the sensation, it wouldn't be the most true thing to pass from my lips.
I sort of love that you do this to me.
That this time it's you and not him.

Fleeting Condtradictions

Contradictions can be beautiful, but rarely can they last.
Morning and night struggle in the sky, fighting in such a breath taking way that it hardly seems a fight at all. 
In the moment, all the colors twirl and dance to create a masterpiece by natures own hand.
But once and for all, either morning or night must give in to the other and fail.
Seconds, minutes of beauty are they worth the inevitable losing of one side?
If you asked me a week ago, I'd say absolutely.
And now, I'd say no.
Because in a sunset, in a sunrise, no one gets hurt.
But in matters of the heart, when light tries to bond to dark, one must overcome the other.
The two cannot coexist, they cannot inhabit the same space.
Dark will suffocate the light, and Light will overpower the dark.
Suffocation, overpowering, neither are enjoyable. 
Someone has to hurt in the end.
So those brief moments of beauty, those seconds of bliss, they don't make up for the heartbreak.
They don't outweigh the pain.
I was in a state of rose-colored-glass delusion.
I thought we could live as one and the same.
But living with you was like the sun trying to be out at night.
It was impossible.
It changed the entire meaning of us.
And while I look back with a heavy heart at our brief period of beautiful contradiction, I will never go back.