Today

It's been a long time since I just let myself be.

A long time since I walked out of a building giddy with laughter and surrounded by friends.

It's been a long time since I feel this good about people.

 

I have been so bitter, so calloused, so cold, that I forgot what it felt like to make a friend.

But today...today was insane.

I let my guard down, I let these strangers see me for who I am.

My awkward timing, my sarcastic comments, my easily embarrassed disposition.

I let them see the real me.

The one who says dude a lot and smiles and snorts when she laughs.

The one who has a constant and irrational fear of doing something stupid and being judged.

And no one left.

No one gawked or jeered.

No one gasped.

No one was put off.

 

I spent a long time being ashamed of who I was.

I spent all of my friendships being judged for being too loud, too selfish, too nice, too this, too that, too much all together, that I think I started to believe it.

And today I was reminded that I am not too much of anything. 

I am the perfect proportion of every piece of me and I have absolutely nothing to be ashamed of.

 

I was me today, 100 percent me, and I actually made friends for the first time in six years. 

I actually have inside jokes again.

I have people who can look at me, and know what I'm thinking.

I have people who want to be around me, who laugh when I make a joke.

I have people who can make fun of me without being mean spirited.

I have people.

 

My face seriously burned for like an hour after class, because I was so worried that I had made a bad impression, but not one single memory of a mean glance comes to mind.

 

They liked me.

They actually liked me.

 

And I still cant stop smiling.

I look ridiculous, I look insane because I just smile for no reason, out of nowhere.

And I'm really freaking happy.

 

So, to the old "friends" who said I was a bad friend.  To the friends who abandoned me when I joined drill team just because it wasn't band.  To the friend who said I was selfish.  To each and every one of you, I send a sincere wish of absolute nothingness.

I don't hate you.  But I am sincerely glad you aren't around anymore.  Because you were all types of poison, and how dare you crush me that way and make me think I was worthless.

 

And to the people who laughed with me today, the ones that walked across campus and made me feel like I was worth something again, I send the most heartfelt thanks and a genuine excitement for what our futures hold.