Hurting. Mourning.

I pull my quilt closer as I gasp for air. Trying to quiet the sobs, I press my warm face into my pillows. I never knew the hole in my chest could ache this hard. It physically hurts. Tears blur everything as I mourn.

Mostly, I morn for her. She was a mother and a friend and a sister. Her loss was so unexpected that it still hits me a year later. I miss her every single day. Nights are worse. When my mind won't shut off and I replay memories of times before we lost her. I miss her more than I knew was possible.

I mourn for lost friendships as I need companionship dearly right now. Loneliness has etched a foothold in my heart and grows daily, fed by my isolation. It is now a massive shadow I cannot escape. Im scared it will be this way forever. I need someone. Anyone.

I mourn for him. For love I handed out too quickly to someone I didn't know. For the heart he broke and continues to dismantle to this day. He makes me so happy. So damn happy. But he tears me apart and I am in agony. I hurt so bad right now. The sobs wracking my body make my lungs scream for air. It isn't fair for me to love him this much with nothing in return. Without him I feel hollow. I feel empty. I feel tired. But when he's even the slightest option I am on fire. I am more alive in those moments than my whole life.

I mourn for the happy girl I used to be. The one with no cares and no troubles and no sorrow.

I am hurting. I am mourning.