Facades and fake smiles

She smiles until her face is sore. She giggles and flips her hair. She blushes and batts her eyelashes. She laughs and greets and hugs. All day long she's on an endless cycle of fake joy. Feigning interest in those around her and their seemingly trivial rituals is exhausting but she pushes through. One more fake laugh, she thinks. One more forced smile, she hopes. One more wretched hug, she pleads. Internally she cringes with every ounce of fake smiles. These people don't know her. They don't know how she really feels. They don't know her at all.
Tears seep into the pillow as she muffles her sobs. The quiet music croons in her ear as she prays for this lost and lonely feeling to disappear. She's out of tears for now but feels like she could scream or cry or vomit at any second. Her bed creeks as she tosses and turns in her bed. She reaches for her phone and scrolls through the contacts in search of someone worth talking to. Unsuccessful she tosses it to the floor. No one really gets her. Even her friends think she's weird. She's the black sheep. The drama queen. The dramatic. The emotional. The tragic. They don't include her unless they have to. Sometimes she doesn't mind, but others.... Other times, like tonight, the emptiness creeps in and fills all the spaces. Her heart seizes up and she blinks away the tears. She's all alone right now. She needs someone. But she's to scared to reach out, to be a bother, to annoy. She's terrified.

The Night

The night has a way of making things painfully obvious. It makes a broken heart feel more like an empty crater. It turns confusion into a dreaded feeling of empty hopelessness. It turns loss into a pit of anguish that nothing will fill. It makes insecurities into flaws and uselessness. It makes even the smallest of problems seem like a vast and impossible issue. The night has a way of destroying everything we work so hard at in the day time. The shadows that creep in are where the fear, anxiety, failure, doubt and rejection hide during the day. Once the sun goes out, one's mind become vulnerable to the fear it's been ignoring all day. That's why children sleep with night lights. That's why we have nightmares. That's why scary movies are often filmed in dark scenes. Darkness lets in the fear. It lets in everything that scares us and intensifies it ten fold. In all honesty I think we're all afraid of the dark in some way. Maybe it physically scares us to be in a dark room. Our palms sweat. Our hearts race. We scream. We cry. Or maybe it scares us mentally. We know realistically nothing is there but the doubt and imagination of the mind create frightening ideas. We think we feel a touch. We think we hear a breath. We think we see a flicker of movement. The night gives way to fear of all kinds. Not only the physical fear of harm but the emotional fear of inadequacy. We begin to believe we're too fat or too tall or too ugly or too stupid. We begin to tell ourselves we'll never amount to anything and that we'll never be loved and that we're useless human beings. What I've found, though, is that these ideas we conjure during the night when terror takes us over and doubt fills every corner of our minds are just that: ideas. Thoughts. They aren't reality. Because with the light of day, we see the truth. We see how beautiful and elegant and intelligent and marvelous we really are. Not in an egotistical way, but in a way that makes us more appreciative of the life we're living. I heard a quote that relates rather impeccably to this series of thoughts and it goes something to the effect of : "don't believe the things you tell your self late at night". A statement couldn't be more true. When the darkness gives way to doubt and insecurity, don't believe it. That broken heart you think is an infill able void will one day be made whole. That loss that seems to break your soul more every second, will one day hurt a little less. Those imperfections are what make you unique. Those things you loathe about yourself will one day be the exact same things that make someone fall in love with you. So don't listen to the night ridden thoughts you have. And remember that every night will end in the light of daybreak.

You'll fight too.

It's that moment when you realize you fell for who you thought he'd be and no who he really was. You realize you've created this person in your mind thinking he would be it and he's not. He's far from it in fact. He's impulsive and selfish and inconsiderate. He's the opposite of how you thought him to be. But it's too late. You fell. And now your broken a little too soon. You realize you have to move on. You aren't, after all, leaving him behind. Your leaving the man you never thought he'd become. You aren't leaving a hero. Or a knight. Or a genius. Or even a friend. Your leaving an immature child. And that's okay. But your heart doesn't understand. That's okay too, mine didn't understand either. I'm still fighting the urge to run. To run back to him. To pretend that he is who I thought and ignore the problems. I'm fighting everyday. And you will to, when you realize who he really is. And how different he should be. And you realize he isn't perfect for you, not yet.

Do you remember?

Do you remember that night? Surrounded by little kids on that loud chaotic, bus? Do you remember sitting next to me and me rolling my eyes? Do you remember my pillow? The one I brought on the bus to help me sleep? Do you remember stealing it for the entire four hour ride? Do you remember stealing my heart? Your cologne faintly clings to it when I finally wriggle it out of your strong hands. With the scent, I am reminded of how we grew that week. Of how we worked our way into a flirtatious friendship. I am reminded of how how hard you make me laugh and how your dimples light up your smile. I am reminded of how much I love spending time with you.
I found it today. That silly pillow. Months have passed since I last saw you. Even more since that glorious week. That silly pillow smells of nothing more than batting and material. Your cologne is gone. I miss it. I want it back. As do I you.

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Even when it breaks

Do you ever want to go back to the way it was before? Just for a day. For a few select moments. And really soak it in. To have a chance to relieve those moments you took for granted? To engrave those happy, carefree moments in your heart and lock them away for a rainy day?
I do.
I without a doubt, absolutely, totally do.
I miss my best friends. Both of them whose friendship ended in a useless argument that now seems irrelevant. I regret what happened. I wish it happened differently. Sometimes I wish it hadn't happened at all. But at this point I've tried to reconnect to both of them and was once again left disappointed. I guess that's what I get for assuming it would go seamlessly back together without a hitch. Instead the pieces are shattered more now than ever before. On nights like these, when I am so utterly alone, I look back and realize they're really gone. He's miles away, enjoying his life without another thought about me. She's around the corner and I bet it doesn't tear her heart out to drive past my street like it does me.
I guess in the long run I know it's for the best. We fell apart for a reason. They aren't meant to be in my future. But sometimes, like tonight, I find myself aching to talk to him. Or to laugh with her. Or to hug him. Or to cry with her. I feel like the other half of my soul was torn out and replaced only to be torn out again. And still it hangs empty. Maybe that's how the loneliness gets in. It creeps in and fills the void making it seem deeper and colder than ever before. I'm missing them. Both of them. And they probably won't ever miss me again. So here's to lost friendships and reminiscing, even when it breaks your heart.

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Below the surface

The way I see it, we're all a mess. Some of us messier than others. Some of us better at sweeping the mess under the table and pretending everything is picture perfect. But behind the smiles and masks we're all a disaster. Nothing is going perfect for everyone all the time. Sometimes things begin to fall apart piece by piece to the point where we turn around and wonder how it got this way. Other times, the whole world shatters all at once and in a single second we're wondering where to go next. Even the most put together of people has something, one tiny thing, that's nagging at the back of their mind. It's chipping away at their sanity one tiny piece at a time and eventually the cracks start to show. It's okay though. Because no one has it all going for them and all together all the time. If we would stop judging people at the first moment and try to see what's going on behind the smile they've painted on, we might realize that we aren't the only ones who have problems. Everyone's struggling with something, some of us are just more open with the struggle than others. Everyone's a little bit of chaos. It's all just trembling beneath the surface. That's the beauty of life and coexistence. We learn to deal with the storm and find companions along the way.
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My imaginary future

I've worked up this image of you in my head. We've had countless, charming conversations in my dreams. When someone mentions love, or relationships, or future plans, you name slips quietly into my mind. When you walk into the room, I can't even look you in the eye for fear you might see into my mind and realize my heart's quickened pace. Your smile is the most beautiful thing I've ever seen. Some days I feel it, soft and quiet and patient at the back of my mind. Other days, it comes stampeding into my heart all at once and I have to blink away tears.
How can you fall so madly in love with someone who hardly knows your name? I've wondered this often. I wonder if you'll be my forever as I picture so often when you pass me by. In the back of my mind I know it can't be. I know we wont end up in forever together. I know you wont see the light in my eyes and the flush of my cheeks. You hardly see me at all. Today however, was a stampede day. As you stood there, effortlessly confident, and forever strong, I fell even more. I know not what you do to me nor how to escape it but it seems I've been caught in some mesmerizing trap of yours. And even in knowing the fictional state of our future together, I fall willingly for you. Because in the depths of my heart, I pray that the pain I'll feel when you leave will be immeasurable in the presence of the joy I found in loving you.

Projects and prospects

So ive been doing a group speech project in my speech class these past few weeks and ive learned a few things. For one, the age old addage "dont judge a book by its cover" couldnt be more true. I went in with pre conceived notions about everyone in my group, and almost all of them were proved wrong. I made friends in people I was slightly wary of being around and I love spending time with them. I've always had a problem with judging people. I try not to, but my mind always picks them apart and creates this idea of who they should be and who they look like. I find it hard to believe I'm the only teenager with this problem. I think that's the problem for most people. We can't look past the outside and look into who the person really is. We take things at face value that we should be really taking time to figure out. We see the hardened exterior or the extra large jacket and create words like "witch" and "fatty". But what do we really know about them? Maybe that witch in your class has been abused. Or cursed out. Of heart broken. Or damaged. And maybe that chunky girl in the corner who won't talk to anyone has a medical condition. Maybe she starves herself every day in hopes that it will help. Maybe we should just stop judging everyone. Maybe we should take the time to get to know one another before we decide weather we like one another or not. We are human beings, with souls and hearts and feelings and emotions and we deserve to be treated as such. Everyone deserves to be treated as such.

A song.

Everyone has a song. A song that makes your heart stop and makes you stop breathing. A song that sets your soul on fire in a way that gives you butterflies. A song that seems to have been written just for you every time you hear it. That darling is the definition of a "good song". And that is why I believe in the power of music. Because it can turn your most tragic memories into a masterpiece. It can hold your hand through the pain. It can lift your spirit in a way people just can't. Music, dear, is the most powerful thing we have. Use it wisely. Don't waste it.

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Weak

My heart is broken. My soul empty. I feel void of any emotion other than sadness. And fear. And confusion. I don't understand why this happened. I don't understand what I'm supposed to do now. I feel so alone and so sad and so fragile like ill never be able to put the pieces back together. I feel like part of me is missing. I feel lost. And the pain won't go away. The sobs come over my body. Racking and shaking and trembling. And it's terrifying. Once the strong sobbing gasping cries have gone, a littered array of tears and sniffles are left in their wake. And I am left weak.
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