A letter to the three of you, three friends, three tragedies, three strangers.
It's been a long time since I've seen any of you. One of you still embraces me as a friend. One of you might stroll past me like a stranger. One of you still stands against me as an enemy. That's okay. It's okay. We were all so young when we met; so insecure and unsure and scared. We were all trying to find our places in a messy, difficult world.
I don't want to place blame. I'm just trying to come to terms with what we went through when we were friends. I'm trying to come to terms with the fact that the cracks in my heart didn't begin at fifteen when I met a senior boy who stole my heart. They began a little earlier. With us. With you.
I didn't really notice when you used me as a tool to find yourselves. I didn't realize you were all using me against each other. I didn't realize I was being treated like a prize and not a person. That pattern in my life started with you: with boys who didn't know how to be honest, who only knew how to play games because our lives seemed so much like a chess match at the time. Always trying to be one step ahead. Trying to win. Trying to prove ourselves.
I realize now, that I was collateral damage in the chaos of your self-discovery. I was a side-effect of you becoming who you are. And while I am glad you've all found your places in the world, I wonder if you ever considered what would happen to me? After you postured with me at your side, after you proved yourself, after you found yourself; what happened to me?
You taught me so early that I was someone to consider but never commit to. I was the almost, but never enough. I was the girl you might use to make someone jealous, but not the one to make you happy. I was the ego boost and never the endgame. I am truly happy you all found yourselves because I know it was a struggle. I watched you fight tooth and nail for who you are. I watched you triumph and thrive. And I wonder now, how do I find me? After so many years being treated like a place holder how do I find my place in the world, the way all of you did?
You all found yourselves, but somewhere in the shuffle I got left behind. I heard each of you saying "maybe" and "only if" and "not now" and I sat politely with my hands in my lap, waiting for someone to tell me when it was my turn to be found, when it was my turn to become myself. But no one ever came.
I genuinely don't mean to sound accusatory or malicious. I just never saw what was happening before. I didn't realize that while you each told me I was beautiful and funny and impossible not to love, none of you were actually loving me. I wonder, in all the time you spent playing each other, and finding yourselves, did you realize I was losing me? Did you see the parts of me that broke away every time you showed me off like a stack of poker chips?
We were so young. So confused. So scared and selfish. We all just wanted to find ourselves.
I think eventually you all found yourselves by borrowing pieces of me until there was nothing left for me to hold onto. I'm sorry I didn't stop you. I'm sorry I didn't know. I'm sorry we grew up fighting and hurting each other. I'm sorry I let you think that you can break people just to find yourself. I would've stopped it all, stopped our pain if I had only known back then.
-M
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