Dear ***,
I miss you. I miss you so much it hurts. I used to tell myself that it wasn't you I was missing, it was just the feeling you gave me of being wanted. I guess that's true to an extent, but today for the first time in a long time, I just miss you too. I don't know how it's possible for my heart to ache for you this much after so long but it does. It's been so long but I still look for your car on the road and your name in my phone. And I know it's not healthy for me to miss you like this and to want you after all the things that have happened. But I still don't know how not to.
Some days, I wish we'd never met and that my first heartbreak would have come from someone I was less attached to so I wouldn't have a scar this big. And some days, like today, when I wake up from a dream like the one I had last night, I just want to hug you. And I wish there wasn't this ocean of pain and unequal feeling between us. I've spent virtually my whole young adult life drowning in that sea just trying to get to you but the tides are never on my side. It seems like sometimes you're swimming out to get to me too and then a riptide just jerks you away. But most of the time it seems like you just sit on the shore and watch me struggle.
I guess that's what makes this so hard for me. I can see now that I have way more invested in this concept of "us" than you ever have or ever will but I want it anyway.
When I met you, I wanted to save you. I wanted to be the reason you smiled everyday, but I don't want that anymore. Now I feel like I'm falling down the same sinkhole that I wanted to rescue you from and all I want now is for us to sink together. I'm not the same shiny-faced, optimistic girl you met back then. I don't even know what I am now honestly. I just know that I'm a lot more like you than you ever realized. I used to idealize our situation and glamorize the mess we made, but now I see it for what it is. I know it's a mess. I know it's toxic. I know it's a disaster zone. But now that I've gotten used to the burn of the fires and to the poison in the smoke and to living in the rubble, I'm not looking for a way out. I'm looking for a partner. A kindred soul. Another survivor. I'm looking for you. Because some incredible person could come in and offer me a mansion and happily ever after, but if you were an option, I'd pick living in the ashes with you every time.
Forever yours-M
No comments:
Post a Comment