I spent the first week of July at my favorite place on earth. Pine Springs Baptist Camp. A place that changes lives. A place the ignites the fire of Christ in icy hearts. A place full of miracles. But something one of the girls in my dorm said got me thinking about how we portray our selves and what others see. She made a comment about me being "preppy" and "happy" and "giggly" all of the time. I was immediately defensive. She doesn't know me. She doesn't know my struggles. She doesn't know my heart or my life. So I thought I'd take a moment to share my secrets, the parts of me that I cover up with smiles and giggles.
This girl, no offense to her, but she has no idea who I am. And honestly, you don't either. So here I am. Here are the ugly truths that hide deep in my soul that no one knows.
You don't know that one year and ten months ago my best friend in this whole world died unexpectedly and I'm never going to stop hurting.
You don't know that my heart physically aches every single day.
You don't know that it's been five years since I've had a best friend.
You don't know that in the course of two years I lost 6 friends and I still don't understand why.
You don't know I have severe trust issues. That I ice out anyone who gets remotely close to me because I'm so freaking terrified of getting hurt again.
You don't know that I have severe anxiety when I step foot outside the house.
You don't know I've had to develop my own methods to stop myself from having a panic attack as I walk across campus.
You don't know that I cry almost every single night before I finally run out of tears and pass out, exhausted on my pillows.
You don't know that all my pillow cases are stained with mascara from my late night sobbing.
You don't know that I've been single for fours years because someone took my heart and ran it over with a lawn mower when I was 16.
You don't know that he's still my weakness, after everything he did to me, I've let him break my heart three times and I still miss him.
People call me a flirt but they doesn't realize that I prefer the company of guys because they don't snicker about me behind my back or make me feel ugly or fat.
No one in my entire life has heard this all as blatantly as I'm writing it right now. You don't know how proud I am of myself for being able to post this and not be self conscious.
There are dozens more examples of demons I had behind my smile. But there's a lot of good too. I like looking up, just walking and looking up and feeling so infinitely small in this massive universe. I push past my insecurities because I want to be that happy person with a constant smile. I don't want my issues to win out. I want to control them, not for them to control me. I'm that girl who makes straight A's but takes an extra minute to get the joke you just told.
Anyway, this girl doesn't know me. She doesn't know any of this. No one does. Well, you do now I guess. And that's insane. Because I don't speak this candidly to people.
So if you've made it to the end of this post, I guess what I want to say is first of all, thank you for taking a spare moment to read it. And second, you never really know people. Don't assume. Don't call names. Just be a descent human being and be kind. People are always fighting battles you know nothing about.
With love,
M. A. Trappe
