The Monstrous Beast

She paces anxiously.
Its going to be a long day with all these nerves.  Nerves over nothing and everything all at once.
She slides her long locks into a ponytail in record time.  The tale-tale sign of her all time high stress.
She paints on the black kohl liner and layers of black mascara.  War paint.  War with no one.  War with herself.
She pops the collar of her black leather jacket and sucks in a deep breath.  The hot pink and turquoise and violet call from her closet.
No.  Stick to Black.  Black is strong.  Black is safe.  She chides her ridiculous imagination.
Black helps her fight.  It helps her come off strong, the ever impenetrable fortress of bitterness and thorns.
But really, it just gives her a way out.  A way out of making the choices that color would make imperative.
The darkness does its job, hiding her from sight, bubbling around her like a poison and forcing them away.
If they're scared, they wont try to get in.
She struts across the pavement, her signature walk screaming of confidence and intensity and made up of lie after lie.
The anxiety expands, sucking her breath and thought and threatening to revisit her minuscule breakfast.
She acts fast, using a learned tactic to combat the nausea.
1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8.  1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8.  She counts in her head to the imaginary music her feet pound out on the sidewalk.
Focus on the numbers and the anxiety can't take complete control.
A passing girls laugh catches her mid number and steals her attention.
What would that be like?
To walk and laugh and talk without headache inducing nausea and shortness of breath?
To trade inside jokes with friends and act like a kid and not care who sees?
What would it be like if you weren't worried what everyone was thinking of you all the time?
If you could walk into a room with a chest full of air and not be paranoid that people are talking about you?
She tries the trick she read online.  Four counts breathing in, and eight counts out.  The pain in her chest goes away. 
No use dwelling on 'what if' while reality gnaws a whole in your stomach.  She reminds herself as the thoughts float away, leaving the monstrous beast of fear and panic settled behind her navel.

One day, I'll know what it's like to wave goodbye to the beast.