I Wrote Down the Story of Us

I wrote down the story of us.
I changed your name and the color of my truck but the rest is truth.
Just truth.
I wrote down the story of us, in vague sentences and in specific details and it only takes up ten pages.
Two years of my life summed up in ten pages.
It feels like a joke.
I wrote down the story of us and I couldn't help changing the ending.
So that part isn't truth.
It's all wishes and wants and should-have-beens.
The end is my favorite part because it saves us.
It turns our shipwreck into a painting.
It takes the broken pieces of us and glues us back together in some new, undiscovered masterpiece.
I wrote down the story of us and I miss you so badly I can't breathe.
I miss you and I'm angry and I'm hurt.
It reminded me of so many things.
I wrote down the story of us and I don't know if it should make me laugh or cry.
I do both.
I smile at the beginning, when we were close and things made sense.
And I write through tears in the middle, where it gets messy and we turn into a disaster on the page.
I wrote down the story of us and I wish it was different.
I wish we were different.
Or maybe I wish we had never changed.
I wrote down the story of us.
I changed your name and the color of my truck but the truth is still the same.
The truth is that it hurts.
And the truth is I still keep wishing that the ending on my paper will play out in my real life.

Ghosts

This town is small and full of ghosts.

I walk in the coffee shop and a bell tolls above me.
To my left is the long table where we used to sit.
And I see us there every time.
Blue eyes and soft smiles and whispers floating between us.
And it's so real, I might as well be sitting there with you now.
But I'm not...I never am anymore.

I pull into the parking lot with tall brick buildings lining every side.
The space where we used to park is nearly always empty.
And I see us there every time.
Loud laughter and louder music and smiles so wide, the sky is jealous.
And it makes my chest ache so hard I can't breathe.
We're not there...we haven't been for some time now.

I hear that song on the radio and the memories come back like a tidal wave.
The room where we met is bright and alive in my head and my heart.
And I see us there every time.
Jokes as sharp as tacks and sparks burning in the air between us.
And it makes me sick with the bittersweet remembrance of it all.
You've been gone...for a long time.

This town has no ghosts of it's own.
They're mine.
They live deep in my heart and linger on the corner of my vision.
And I don't think I can ever out run them or be rid of the scars on my heart that they're tied to.

Another Letter I'll Never Send (#3)

Dear ******,

Fifteen weeks wasn't enough time for me to know you.  Years have passed and I still think of you most days.  In the car, I'll hear the song that came on the day I met you and wonder where you are.  In a crowd, I'll see someone with eyes like yours and wonder how you're doing.  Fifteen weeks was all we had and it felt like a breath and a lifetime all at once.  Sometimes, I daydream that you'll walk through the doors of my local coffee shop and come back into my life forever.  Sometimes, I daydream that you'll read this and know I miss you.  Sometimes, I daydream about what it would've been like if we had stayed.

I split my life into phases.  You were the beginning of light.  Of coming back to life.  And I don't think I ever told you just how much you saved me.  My whole life, I've felt invisible-partially due to my own desire to blend but also because people never really see me.  They see my laugh and my smile and they stop there.  They never see the quiet moments when I panic or the nights when I cry myself to sleep.  They never see just how hard I'm trying to maintain.  But then you looked at me and  in that moment I began to truly exist.

My moments with you are so clear in my memory, laser cut and bright and vivid.  I never want to forget the day we met, when you made a quiet joke and I was the only one who heard you.  I never want to forget the moment when our eyes met and I knew I had met my match.  I never want to forget the day I made you laugh-really laugh-and how the sound felt like coming up from beneath the waves and taking a full breath of air.  I never want to forget the way you fought for me; the way you saw the pain in my face in a split second and changed the energy in the room.  I never want to forget anything about you.  The green eyes and bowties and silent challenges.  The tiny spark of hope you lit in the ashes of my broken heart.

Because of you, green eyes still bring a smile to my face.  Because of you, I know I'm not invisible.  Because you, I will always do a double-take when I see anyone in a bowtie.  Because of you, I'll always be holding out hope that the universe might bring us back together.

Love Always,
Boots.