The Consequence of Sitting Out

Have you ever loved something so much, in such a pure and whole way, that you can't even describe why you love it in words?  For me, there are a few things I love that much.  My family.  Going to concerts.  And mission trips.

Recently, I made the decision to sit out on this summer's mission trip.  Last year was...unfortunately not as great as I had hoped for it to be, so I decided that this year I needed a break.  I genuinely thought it was for the best.  I thought I felt a sense of peace and security about missing it.  Until it started this week and I saw how many people I love ended up going.  It broke my heart.  Looking at the videos and pictures all my friends keep posting makes me nauseous.  Literally.  I'm overwhelmed by this sense of longing and regret and missing out.  It's that overwhelming feeling of failure where your nerves crackle and your eyes burn and your breath comes in short, panicked waves.  And all I can think is "I made a huge mistake."  It's that feeling where all your brain can think is that a time machine is the only way to fix this ache in your chest.  A time machine or a do-over, but we don't have those.  We have choices and consequences and right now, I am drowning in the sadness of the consequence of the decision not to go.

At the time, I was up to my eyeballs in feelings.  I was tired and stressed and disappointed from the events of the last trip.  I was dreading situations with people and over analyzing a lot of the things I was dealing with.  And I told myself I wouldn't mind missing it; that one year wasn't the end of the world and there would always be another one.  But here I am, sitting in the floor, wiping away tears, writing to you because it actually doesn't matter how many more there are.  It doesn't matter how well or how poorly the previous trips went.  All that matters is that THIS one, happening NOW, is happening without me and I'm heartbroken.  There are so many lives I'm missing out on touching and so many new friends I haven't met and so many memories that I'm not there to make.  And I hate it.  It hurts so much more than I ever expected it to.  I guess this is one of those "you don't know what ya got till it's gone" situations.  I'm not a fan.

I guess my point in all of this is I learned a lesson this week, and it wasn't fun.  I learned that if you let people and things cloud your judgement, you miss out on important opportunities.  I learned that I've got to make decisions based on what my heart tells me, and not the imaginary world my anxiety conjures from the shadows of my fear.  Take a lesson from me, and don't let the world get in the way of the things you love.