The rain fell in deafening sheets as she stared out the window. Such depressing weather. How fitting. It was like the sky was mimicking the turbulent emotions in her chest.
It was one of those days where she was dying to do something too tired to actually find pleasure in doing anything at all. She had opened and closed Facebook six times. Why she thought something life changing would have happened in the last ten minutes, she didn't know. But she looked anyway. Deep down, she was hoping the little green light would pop up next to his name.
Not that she would initiate a conversation. It was just comforting to know they were doing the same thing when they were so far away from each other. Well, comforting and simultaneously tremendously horrid.
With a sigh, she flopped back on her pillows and opened the little blue app again. Nothing had changed. All of her friends were either happily married, engaged, or pregnant. People she used to know seemed like strangers. His light was still off. And she was still alone.
She signed off again and let the phone fall on her chest as she stared into the darkness. She hadn't felt like turning the light on when she had closed the door behind her. The cool darkness was comforting. She felt like she blended in. Like she belonged here, without light, without people. That isn't fair. she thought. Why should I have to be alone? Surrounded by people who have someone.
That was the way her life seemed to go. She was always just shy of being enough for someone. People came together and fell apart all around her, but she never got the choice. Someone might get close enough to brush her cheek, but they never stayed long enough for it to matter.
She tried to tell herself there was a purpose behind it. That she was only going to be alone for a little while longer, and then her prince charming would come. Maybe he got stuck in traffic. But a month had turned into a year which somehow had flown into four. Four years. She'd had one date, a disaster. She's been on the verge of something once or twice, but it fell through both times. But it was enough to make it hurt. It was enough to make her second guess herself. It was enough to make her wonder if she was the problem. Maybe she was too tall, too sarcastic. Maybe she wasn't pretty enough, or smart enough, or funny enough.
But every negative thought shied away when she thought of him. So maybe they hadn't been a "thing", and maybe they hadn't even been on the verge of a "thing", but they had something... right? He hadn't shied away. He had bowed up. He fought back and made her laugh and made her feel like she mattered. He gave her back years of confidence that had been stripped away. So what happened? He was there, inches from her one day, and the next he literally walked away without a word.
She liked to tell herself he had to, because goodbye would have hurt too much. But her head knew better than her heart wanted to believe. As she replayed their conversations over in her head, she pulled her knees up to her aching chest. He would know what to say right now. She thought as a tear slipped onto her jeans, He always did. And somehow, she let him get away.
