You say you want someone just like me.
But not me.
Someone whose face is thinner.
Someone whose laugh is more gentle
Someone whose limbs are graceful and lean.
You say you want someone with a heart like mine.
But not mine.
Someone whose heart is more open.
Someone whose heart is less jaded.
Someone whose heart is not so fragile and broken.
You say you want someone with a soul like mine.
But not me.
Someone who sees the light in the world.
Someone who has a plan all figured out.
Someone who can trust and love completely.
You say you want someone just like me.
But not me.
Someone who makes you feel the same things.
But someone different.
Don't lie to you self, or to me, anymore.
You don't want anyone like me.
Friday, November 16, 2018
Wednesday, November 14, 2018
Excelsior
People are always a little bit surprised when they find out how deep my obsession with the Marvel Cinematic Universe runs.
When I was a senior in high school, they made us watch The Avengers is the auditorium on a test day and I was so angry because I never imagined I would enjoy it. I left school that day telling my parents we needed to rent the movie so we could all watch it together. It started a fascination in me that still grows to this day. I stay up to watch midnight premiers (looking at you Infinity Wars) and I buy Mjolnir earrings and dog tag necklaces with Cap’s shield engraved on the back. I have a shirt that says “I would date you but you’re not Sebastian Stan.” I’m in deep y’all.
With the passing of Stan Lee, I’ve been thinking about what draws me in so much and I came up with a few things.
1. Storytelling/Writing
Guys, the storytelling in the MCU is insane and complex and so incredibly beautiful that I can’t even explain it. Tiny details that you miss the first two (or twelve) times you watch one movie become the sole plot of a movie a few years later. (I’m just saying, we got the Infinity Gauntlet in Age of Ultron y’all) And the writing is genius. They’ve got you laughing through your tears. The tiniest lines that you miss at first are the gems of the whole show. “Please be a secret door, please be a secret door. Yay!” Hawkeye’s dry sarcasm about the fact that he literally fights aliens with a bow and arrow. You can literally say one word to a Marvel fan and get us going for an hour talking in snippets of script that make sense to us. Pointbreak. Strongest Avenger. Shawarma. Budapest. As a writer, I appreciate the character arcs and the storytelling all on its own. I think they give us such complex characters who break their stereotypes, sometimes boldly and sometimes in more subtle ways, but they grow so much and we get to see all of that.
2. The Characters
I think every character teaches me something new and I relate to them all at different moments in my life. I love Cap’s undying loyalty to his country and to his friends, especially Bucky (#victimnotavillain). Thor learns a massive lesson of humility and becomes truly worth of Mjolnir and becomes such a great and caring leader. Tony has such a yearning to be a protector and he tries so hard to hide it beneath his genius, billionaire, playboy, philanthropist façade but he cares so much. Nat is so strong despite feeling like a monster. Clint is literally just trying to live his life but he stands up for his friend when they need him. The way Loki's smile falls in the elevator when Thor tells him he can finally be rid of him. I could go on and tell you how Wanda fights for a better world through her pain, or how Vision tries so hard to have the human experience, but the MCU is so big these days it would take me an hour. And if you stop me in a coffee shop and ask me about it, I’ll probably spend an hour telling you how much I love them all. Even Mark Ruffalo as the Hulk (though not at the same level I love everyone else at).
3. The Action
The same way I like watching football, and football movies, and war movies, I genuinely just love a good fight scene. Bucky on the motorcycle in Civil War…iconic. The “she’s not alone” scene of Infinity wars. Nat using Cap and his shield as a spring board in Avengers. Cap and his shield in all fights. Thor and Mjolnir. Tony stepping seamlessly out of the suit. Spidey learning to adjust to his suit and deactivate instant kill. I just love the adrenaline and the choreography of fight scenes. It’s like dance, it’s an art and a sport all at once.
Excelsior means ever upwards and that’s where the MCU has always been headed. Stan Lee leaves a legacy bigger than a cameo, he leaves us three phases of greatness, each building on and surpassing the ones before it.
Excelsior.
When I was a senior in high school, they made us watch The Avengers is the auditorium on a test day and I was so angry because I never imagined I would enjoy it. I left school that day telling my parents we needed to rent the movie so we could all watch it together. It started a fascination in me that still grows to this day. I stay up to watch midnight premiers (looking at you Infinity Wars) and I buy Mjolnir earrings and dog tag necklaces with Cap’s shield engraved on the back. I have a shirt that says “I would date you but you’re not Sebastian Stan.” I’m in deep y’all.
With the passing of Stan Lee, I’ve been thinking about what draws me in so much and I came up with a few things.
1. Storytelling/Writing
Guys, the storytelling in the MCU is insane and complex and so incredibly beautiful that I can’t even explain it. Tiny details that you miss the first two (or twelve) times you watch one movie become the sole plot of a movie a few years later. (I’m just saying, we got the Infinity Gauntlet in Age of Ultron y’all) And the writing is genius. They’ve got you laughing through your tears. The tiniest lines that you miss at first are the gems of the whole show. “Please be a secret door, please be a secret door. Yay!” Hawkeye’s dry sarcasm about the fact that he literally fights aliens with a bow and arrow. You can literally say one word to a Marvel fan and get us going for an hour talking in snippets of script that make sense to us. Pointbreak. Strongest Avenger. Shawarma. Budapest. As a writer, I appreciate the character arcs and the storytelling all on its own. I think they give us such complex characters who break their stereotypes, sometimes boldly and sometimes in more subtle ways, but they grow so much and we get to see all of that.
2. The Characters
I think every character teaches me something new and I relate to them all at different moments in my life. I love Cap’s undying loyalty to his country and to his friends, especially Bucky (#victimnotavillain). Thor learns a massive lesson of humility and becomes truly worth of Mjolnir and becomes such a great and caring leader. Tony has such a yearning to be a protector and he tries so hard to hide it beneath his genius, billionaire, playboy, philanthropist façade but he cares so much. Nat is so strong despite feeling like a monster. Clint is literally just trying to live his life but he stands up for his friend when they need him. The way Loki's smile falls in the elevator when Thor tells him he can finally be rid of him. I could go on and tell you how Wanda fights for a better world through her pain, or how Vision tries so hard to have the human experience, but the MCU is so big these days it would take me an hour. And if you stop me in a coffee shop and ask me about it, I’ll probably spend an hour telling you how much I love them all. Even Mark Ruffalo as the Hulk (though not at the same level I love everyone else at).
3. The Action
The same way I like watching football, and football movies, and war movies, I genuinely just love a good fight scene. Bucky on the motorcycle in Civil War…iconic. The “she’s not alone” scene of Infinity wars. Nat using Cap and his shield as a spring board in Avengers. Cap and his shield in all fights. Thor and Mjolnir. Tony stepping seamlessly out of the suit. Spidey learning to adjust to his suit and deactivate instant kill. I just love the adrenaline and the choreography of fight scenes. It’s like dance, it’s an art and a sport all at once.
Excelsior means ever upwards and that’s where the MCU has always been headed. Stan Lee leaves a legacy bigger than a cameo, he leaves us three phases of greatness, each building on and surpassing the ones before it.
Excelsior.
One and Someone Else
One has broken edges like me.
Like all the ones before him.
Broken edges bathed in alcohol and unbelief.
And if he picks me up, I can't hurt him any more than he'll hurt me.
The pain will be mutual and it will sting like the whiskey he takes to numb it all.
Someone else is whole.
The right choice.
A better choice.
But if he gets too close I'll hurt him, even if I don't want to.
He'll pick me up and then drop me when I cut his hands and I'll break again.
I can't survive another break.
I'm not the girl I used to be.
I'm too hopeful for one.
Too broken and guarded and cynical.
Too messy for someone else.
And nothing fits in my chest the way it used to.
Nothing feels right the way it used to.
And I no longer know who I am.
Like all the ones before him.
Broken edges bathed in alcohol and unbelief.
And if he picks me up, I can't hurt him any more than he'll hurt me.
The pain will be mutual and it will sting like the whiskey he takes to numb it all.
Someone else is whole.
The right choice.
A better choice.
But if he gets too close I'll hurt him, even if I don't want to.
He'll pick me up and then drop me when I cut his hands and I'll break again.
I can't survive another break.
I'm not the girl I used to be.
I'm too hopeful for one.
Too broken and guarded and cynical.
Too messy for someone else.
And nothing fits in my chest the way it used to.
Nothing feels right the way it used to.
And I no longer know who I am.
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