I could try to write really beautiful words about how things are going for me right now, but my heart is just too tired. I just need to talk. Or type. Whatever. Graduation is coming up, right around the corner and real life is staring me in the face. It's completely terrifying to be honest. I've wanted to graduate for so long but now that it's here, it's pretty scary.
And someone I care about is hurting right now. It hurts me to see him going through something like that. I was scared he would do something stupid (don't worry, he's fine) and it sent me on an emotional tumble down memory lane.
I keep falling into complicated relationships and friendships with people who are emotionally unstable. I don't mind. I like to fix things, and when I'm surrounded by broken people I can distract myself from my own problems. That's the trouble though, isn't it? That I have my own issues. My own frailties. My own tragedies. As much as I want to fix everyone else, as much as I want to save them, they always take me down with them in the end.
I don't remember the last time I trusted someone. And I don't remember the last time I didn't feel like I was drowning in loneliness and despair. I can come up for air for a while, and I'm pretty good at faking it but these last few days have been a mess. I can't stop crying and I just want to be alone. But the thing is, being alone only makes things worse. It makes it easier to cry and harder to open up. What I need to do is push through and pretend to be happy again so maybe I can fool myself into believing it for a while. But I just can't. My whole body feels tired and I just can't muster up the strength to fake it right now. Maybe in a few days, maybe next week. Maybe never. I don't know. I just don't want to fake it anymore. I want to actually be happy. I want to actually trust people. I want to have a list of friends that isn't only two people long. And I want my heart to stop aching in my chest.
And most of all, right now, I just want someone to listen. So thank you, to the lost person who stumbled across my blog. Thank you to whoever slows down to read this. Thank you for being someone I can talk to without having to see your face.
